I'm not sure

I'm not sure what this blog will turn out to be about. I guess I just wanted to write something about Food Addiction. I guess one of the loneliest things about addiction is the secrecy it often takes. Something like food addiction is not exactly an easy one to hide. I don't know if this is going to shock some people what I'm going to write but I feel I needed to come 'out of the closet' with what's been going on with me the last few months since the start of November.

I'm just so tired of my own excuses sometimes. Seemingly, I keep trying to crawl out of the junk food/binge eating cycle, and eating healthily for a few days, and then falling right back in there. I've gained so much weight in the last few months, and I can't deny that fact anymore as my clothes are tight. Someone said something to me yesterday about something, I don't want to say what or who because they really did mean it in a way that wasn't meant to upset me, nevertheless it was the truth behind their words that stung me so much. I don't understand why I can't just pull myself together anymore like I've done in the past. I guess on some level I think that when I start my job, that will help things because I will have more structure etc. to my life. But right now, I just feel so...helpless I guess. I could cry for help, but it's a weird one, cuz the only person who can help me is myself. It's weird knowing that it's me causing this problem, and only me who can overcome it. (I won't qualify for doctors help because you need to have a BMI of over 30, which I don't...yet anyway...)

My mom has been great- I had a good talk to her last night about the above and she was trying to be really understanding. However, she said herself 'I don't understand why you don't just eat with us, and don't eat at other times' - from a logical point of view, she's totally right. I wish I could be logical about things.

I know that this will ruin the rest of my life if I don't pull myself together starting right now. As a certain wise person reminded me recently, 'a journey of a thousand miles must begin with the first step.' I must take the first step in trying to overcome this. I researched some stuff on the internet about 'overcoming food addiction'- in summary some of my key findings where:

• To avoid foods high in fat and sugar content- known to trigger a chemical reaction in the brain similar to opiate- therefore these foods can be addictive
• Addressing emotional issues associated with the food addiction, such as depression, isolation, etc.
• Exercise - I know this does work

So, basically all stuff I and I'm sure you already know.

I am going to return to counselling though. I am going to give it a try. And possibly I am going back on Anti-depressants (possibly)

I know my problems are small compared to many. I'm blessed to have such wonderful and supportive people in my life. I try to rationalise my problems. It's not an excuse, but I believe what I have is a form of mental illness, as sad as it sounds for me to admit.